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August 19, 2013
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Your Body Cried Crimson
Angela Malzow

Behind the pretty words hides a mouth of razor fangs
Quite frankly, I'm completely deranged.
So few know what lurks in my mind
What nightmare places exist for you to find.
At times I picture kissing your lips
All the while my knife slips
Into your innards and rips
Away your trust.

Stacked behind the allure of my pale eyes
Are rows and rows of myself in disguise.
The masks I wear to convince you that you're safe
Alone, you realize you're the victim I've raped.
I took away your innermost emotions
And placed them within the hands of my devotion.
Now you're trapped in my toxic web
I swallow you and you sink like lead
To the bottom of my heart.

The way I love is violent at best.
For instance, I'd like to tear your heart from your chest
And drink away the nectar of your affection.
Your body, subject to my dissection.
In this game, only I will win.
My tongue is dripping your blood and sin,
Drop by drop it sprays away
And from you, your life I take
To keep for myself.

Do not doubt the imagery of my desires
Manifest, likely spawned from hellfire.
Does it sicken you, churn your belly with acrid distaste?
Can you keep up with my careless pace?
Oh, I do love to torment you so
And watch you bleed, just to let you know.
I am haunted by red splashed across my vision
As my hands mechanically make the incision
That will end you.

The glass of your eyes searches the skies
Reflecting the glaring truth of my lies
The faces of those devised and trapped inside
My fingers wrap, the crunch follows, ribs divide.
I curl and cuddle into the tide
Of the crimson your body cried.

For me. Only for me.
A love poem.

Thank you Jul (=SolidMars) for being such a wonderful friend. That you found my poem
worthy of such an honor leaves me speechless. You truly are made of
chocolate.

And thank you ^GrimFace242 for considering my work and deeming it worthy.
I am completely humbled.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-11-14
Your Body Cried Crimson by ~ttbloodlusttt ( Suggested by SolidMars and Featured by GrimFace242 )
:iconastro-creep166:
Astro-Creep166 Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the way you think ;)
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:iconttbloodlusttt:
lol I love that you love how I think.

:heart:
Reply
:iconastro-creep166:
Astro-Creep166 Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love that you love that I love how you think ;)
Reply
:iconttbloodlusttt:
Oh my goodness... my mind is blown. @_@
*takes brain out and attempts to stomp out the flames*
Reply
:iconastro-creep166:
Astro-Creep166 Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Quick, the fire extinguisher!!
*Shoots the foam, but it catches on fire even more*
Oh goodness...I forgot that I replaced it with gasoline...
Reply
:iconttbloodlusttt:
It's okay... I am much happier without flesh...
*rattles bones*
Reply
:iconvicariousoul:
VicariouSoul Nov 15, 2013  Professional Writer

You’re pretty good, fellow poet, but your poem/work can be more extraordinaire. I can only encourage you to advance your phraseology and terminology. For lack of better way to put it — this poem and some of your other material — comes off somewhat drab, kitsch, and cliché. Sound harsh? I am sorry. I mean well minus the harm.


With that said, no one can ever improve if everyone who comes around praises us all the time, often believing our intellectual property we put forth is perfect or unprecedented.


Below is my revision of your poem the way I think you thought the poem should have sounded, but due to a lock-up in your mind, I think (not saying you did) you felt as if you didn't quite express what you really wanted to get across to viewers. Who am I to say such things? I am a vicarious critic, getting into the minds of authors I believe worthwhile or need support so they can improve.


I arrive(d) at these notions because of the varying line lengths in your stanzas. Much like most art professors would suggest, when there is too much unfilled white space (in this case, between the lines in your stanzas,) fill them with fuller thoughts so each line neatly aligns with others much as possible so they are of even conciseness. The challenge is not to add lackluster filler words to make it work. When you mix three-word lines with eight to ten-word lines in stanzas, it not only comes off aesthetically displeasing, but it also comes off incomplete in thought. That just said is the exception to the rule with the ending line in any stanza. Conclusively, if you're going to start your first line with 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 or 8 words, try to keep the rest of your lines at that length throughout all your stanzas much as possible. In doing so you push your mind further.


However, be careful of line length. Think book. Among other poets, if ever you were to publish some of your lengthy-lined poems in a book, they wouldn't format correctly on the pages because the lines in your stanzas stretch out too far. Narrower text margins challenge your words and ideas. The wider someone’s text margins in his or her word processor, the more they take advantage of the absurd leeway they are given, and the more likely it is their enjambments will cut off if put in a book. Prose and short stories are different in that there are dashes in cut-off words since prose doesn't rely on line breaks.


Anyway, I kept your poem original as possible. You may compare:


Your Body Cried Crimson
by Angela Malzow



Behind graceful words hides a mouth of razor fangs—

I’m deranged, and few know what lurks in my mind,

What untamed, nightmare realms exist for you to find.

I oft picture me kissing your lips while my knife slips

Into your innards and rips away at your trust.


Lined behind the allure of my platinum eyes

Are successions of rows of myself in disguise.

Put-on faces I wear to persuade you are safe

Fools you: you’re alone, the victim I've raped.

Now I steal away your innermost emotions
To place them in the hands of my devotion.

Furled and trapped within my toxic web,

I swallow you while you sink like lead
Into the bottomless abyss of my heart.


The way I love is paroxysmal and violent at best;

I’d love to snatch that petty heart from your chest,

And drink the succulent nectar of your affection.

So curious, your body is subject to my dissection.

Checkmate baby; in this game, only I will win!
My tongue is dripping with your blood and sin:

Drop by drop it spews out your life I have taken
To keep for myself.


Do not; you doubt the savage imagery of my desire(s),

These manifestations likely spawned from the hellfire.

Does it skewer or sicken your guts with acrid distaste?
Can you keep up with my remorseless, careless space?

To clarify and elaborate furthermore, you should know

I love to torment you mercilessly until your light is low,

And when I watch you bleed from your wracked frame,

I am haunted by red splashes passing across my vision

While my hands mechanically make the incision
That will end you.


The glassiness of your eyes searches the skies,

Reflecting all the glaring truths within my lies,

And the faces of those devised: trapped inside
My fingers wrap, crunches follow, ribs divide.

I curl and cuddle into the crimson tide

Your body cried . . .


For me, only for me.



Take from this what you will, learn from this what you may, but it is to my certainty the original version lacks in what it wants to say. It needs more expressive oomph in it to sound lovelier, darker, and terrifying.


P.S. This commentary is already very long, but you are welcome to send me a Note if you would like explanation on why I took out unnecessary words, etc. from the original version of your poem, or why I added words, etc. to the original version of your poem.


Congratulations on your DD. This was fun for me.

VicariouSoul

Reply
:iconvicariousoul:
VicariouSoul Nov 26, 2013  Professional Writer
It seems KhazDa wants to play the, "The author did not ask for your opinion(s) or a critique, therefore, you have no business saying anything." card. To which I openly reply and contend, "The comments section is not for praise alone. The comments section is open to what people want to say and will say. That is what it's for. To expect everyone to say only what you want to hear all the time is equivalent to foolishly expecting the same thing everywhere you go in this world."

P.S. No one yet (I wonder why? No I don't . . .) has stepped forward to debate the third comment down (from this one) written by me regarding copyright infringement because I infringed nothing. However, KhazDa and SolidMars would have everyone here believe otherwise because they have no better punch to deliver to my face.

Call me any name in the book all you want, but don't accuse me of something I did not do without intending to do it in the first place.



Thank you.
Reply
:iconsolidmars:
SolidMars Dec 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
a fool is a man who thinks he's all high and mighty. you may defend your opinion as you please, but you already made it clear and i am sure =KhazDA saw it as well,  that you're simply not worth the time nor the effort to bother with someone who won't see beyond his own nose. therefore, we both find it pointless to reply any further. so please, yell as you may, you've proven yourself to be a selfish, narcissistic ego who thinks he's the only right person in the world and all the rest are wrong.
your opinion is misguided and arrogant, that's why it's unneeded, keep your peace mate, spare yourself some humiliation. the fact that you didn't refer to either of use by the dA valid username link says it all. also I am sure *ttbloodlusttt told you clearly to stop commenting on this because she didn't want to see any more mile long replies on her page. 
just to be clear, you may respond to this as your please, i am not wasting any more breath on you than i already have.
cheers.

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:iconkhazda:
KhazDA Nov 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Random side note, but, "Checkmate baby" is considered a better revision? I apologize for not including this in my comment before but the thought of that line alone has had me laughing all day. If only we could all be so delightfully lost in our own tiny realms...
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